Plan B is the new Plan A
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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