Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
