I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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