You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
She told me I should be a condom model.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
