My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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