I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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