I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
