I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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