You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
