if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Randomize
