Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
