Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
