I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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