There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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