I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Randomize
