you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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