peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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