My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
