I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
