He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
