Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Randomize
