dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
