I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
People with herpes should wear stickers.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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