i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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