I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
