Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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