Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
