My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm sobbing to NWA
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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