She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Randomize
