Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
