i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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