ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
