if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
