I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
