morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
