just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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