i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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