shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
