I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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