SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
