i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
