She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
The uberlube is also flammable
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
