I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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