3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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