The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
