I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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