John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
my god I love twenty year old dicks
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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