I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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