People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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