I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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