living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
