I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
don't judge my taste in strippers
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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