So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
