I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
